Katrina
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No Primary - 2010/03/15 01:23
Hi Everyone,
I am recently (October 09) diagnosed stage III melanoma, with no primary. I had a pelvic lymph node dissection 20 nodes out in total. One positive. Went on to have 25 cycles of radiation. Now I have been home for a month and on 3 monthly checkups. My prognosis is 'optimistically 50%'
Physically I have recovered very well I think, I do have swelling in my leg but only from the knee up and its getting monitored. Emotionally it is a different story. I seem to cruise for a while confident about my future and seemingly back to normal. Then something small will trigger me bursting into tears, usually when discussing something in the long term future. Today is on of those days and I suppose its normal. I feel trapped I can't pretend it's not happening, but I can't live like I might not have a future either. Its so unfair on my partner, he is constantly being strong for me, and wont allow himself to think the worst. Its like this monster has taken over our lives. I am feeling alot of guilt about how the diagnosis has affected our lives, about how upsetting it is for our families.
Rationally I know I have even chances, and there is no point in worrying until/unless I need to. Most days I feel optimistic, about once a fortnight I don't. I am hoping with time these bad days I am having will be behind me???
I am not from any of the towns that have support groups, maybe next time I have a checkup it will coincide. Sorry for the long drawn out post, this is the first time I have actually sat down and aired my feelings, admitted how scary this is for all of us.
Thanks for listening
Katrina x
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Angela
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Re:No Primary - 2010/03/15 02:38
Hi Katrina, Thank you for having the courage, to air your feelings, and you know what, it's ok to be scared, and by talking, and gaining support, you will stay on top of things. I can't imagine your personal rollercoaster, but unfortunately, we can't rewrite what's happened, we must embrace it, and fight. Be strong, live everyday to the full, and appreciate the good things in life. I understand when you say, "no point worrying until/unless I need to", my husband always says that to me...."why worry, till there's something to worry about", which can be easier said than done. By utilizing this forum, you are surrouded by people who care and understand, and if MPA can ever be of assistance, don't hesitate to call them. They have been a great support for me, through the forum and at the support groups.
I can only hope your bad days become fewer and fewer, and it certainly can be a mental game, for me anyway. I lost my best friend last year, and I think I'm still riding that rollercoaster. I'd like to hop off....
My thoughts are with you, today and always.
Kind Regards, Angela
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Client210
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Re:No Primary - 2010/03/15 17:48
Hello Katrina and Angela, felt I need to also make a comment, you are not alone, I struggle must weeks for the last four years, I know that I will never accept Melanoma, it has always been my biggest fear, I have found that being with my twin grandsons is the only thing that keeps my mind away from it, everyone says stay positive, too too hard, but if you can focus on one thing then that is a positive, hang in there guys, my thoughts are with you....
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Sherry
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Re:No Primary - 2010/03/18 05:46
Hello Katrina, I can only imagine how terrifing this ordeal must be for you. I would like to say to you to focus on what is really important in life. Your loved ones and the relationships you have with them. Live each day like the miracle it is and love as much as you can for the rest of your life. Try to stay positive as impossible as this sounds try to find some positive in all this. I'm going to watch out for your blogs. I'll be praying for you, my very best wishes for you and your family.
Kelly Hay-Hartley |
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Lisa
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Re:No Primary - 2010/03/19 19:09
Hi Katrina, if you'd like to email me at info@melanomapatients.org and let me know where you live there may be some way we can link up the next time you are in Brisbane (I'm assuming that's where you come for treatment/checkups...). Let us know when your next appointment is and perhaps we could grab a coffee and have a chat? And keep posting! It's a great way to draw on the strength and knowledge of others who are going through this merry-go-round too.
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